Comms 101

Passive communication is when you drop hints, hoping others will just pick them up instead of being direct. For example, you might say, “I wish someone would remember to text me if they’re running late,” instead of making a clear request. This vagueness usually gets missed, leading to confusion, frustration, and unmet expectations.

Passive communication also happens when you’re afraid of hurting someone’s feelings. But remember: “Being clear is kind” and “Being unclear is unkind.” If you still decide to hold back, remember that you matter and deserve to be heard. Honest, direct communication helps others understand how to support you—they won’t know unless you say so.  

Aggressive communication is when you come in hot, focusing on winning the argument instead of caring about how others feel. It can look like dominating conversations, blaming others, throwing out criticism, getting easily frustrated, not listening, or constantly interrupting. This can make people feel disrespected, defensive, or hurt, which can add stress to relationships.  

Aggressive communication often overuses “You” statements and can make others possibly feel defensive and attacked. In turn, this can hinder trust and weaken your connection. If you find yourself using “You” often, take a moment to think about why. Are you pointing fingers or placing blame unfairly?

Assertive communication is all about clearly stating your needs while respecting and listening to others. It’s the perfect balance of having your thoughts heard—without shutting anyone down or brushing off their opinions. This style can strengthen relationships by reducing conflict and ensuring everyone feels seen and supported—even during tough times.

Assertive communication often starts with “I” instead of “You” statements. For example, “I feel sad when you cancel plans at the last minute” is more constructive than “You always cancel our plans.” It helps them understand how their actions affect you without making them feel attacked, and it can open the door to finding solutions.

Assertive communication helps your partner(s) understand your needs, wants, and boundaries. It not only encourages honesty and clarity, but it cuts through confusion.

Here’s an example showing the differences between assertive, aggressive, and passive communication:

Scenario: Your partner is late, and you both miss a show you were excited to see together.

• Aggressive Response: “You’re always late and never think about anyone else but yourself!”
• Passive Response: “It’s fine. Not like I really needed to go out.”
• Assertive Response: “I’m disappointed we missed the show—I’ve been looking forward to it all week. Next time, let’s pick a time and day that works better for your schedule.”

Feeling angry or defensive during an argument is normal. If you’re getting upset, try to take a few deep breaths, or ask for a break to cool off before continuing the chat. You can say, “This conversation is important to me, but I need a break to settle down before we continue. Is that okay with you?”

You can also try:

• Counting down from 10 to 1.
• Closing your eyes and taking deep breaths.
• Thinking of peaceful places or things that make you happy.
• Asking for a break and letting them know when you want to continue the conversation.
• Taking a short walk or a movement break.

Before diving into a serious talk, discuss and define boundaries with your partner(s) if the convo gets heated. Then, set some rules that work for both of you when things get tense. For example, skip the yelling and cursing—stay respectful and take turns talking.

If your partner(s) shuts you down, walks away, or completely ignores you, it’s important to address that behavior. Tell them how it makes you feel and ask for their attention and respect during conversations. Healthy communication involves people staying engaged and respecting each other’s emotional needs.

Boundaries keep intense moments in check, so you don’t say or do stuff you’ll regret later. You can tweak these boundaries as your relationship grows. Check out a few examples: 

• “Let’s skip the blame game and avoid talking down to each other.” 
• “If things get heated, I don’t want you in my face or forcing hugs and kisses.” 
• “I will not engage with anyone yelling at me.” 
• “If things get heated, let’s pause the chat before anyone storms off in silence.” 

If someone oversteps your boundaries, calmly remind them: “We agreed on no yelling. Let’s talk later when we’re calmer.” If your boundaries are being violated repeatedly, it may be time to step away or seek counseling.

Perfect communication doesn’t exist, and all relationships deal with conflict. Like life, it’s bound to get messy sometimes. Arguments often pop up when someone’s needs aren’t being met. When that happens, try to dig into the real cause—it might be deeper stuff like feeling insecure or disrespected. Digging deeper can help break the cycle of endless fights that don’t solve the real problem.

Handle conflicts with respect, recognizing that different points of view are valid. But, if someone’s actions hurt you, ask yourself:

• Is this a one-time thing or a pattern?
• Are past issues or experiences affecting your feelings now?
• What do you really want from this situation or relationship?

Approach your conversations with the mindset that you and your partner(s) are on the same team. Assume good intentions, even when disagreeing, and focus on working through issues together. A negative mindset can cloud things, so approach the conversation with positivity and a solution-oriented mindset.

This can build trust, reduce misunderstandings, and strengthen your connection. And remember, even if things don’t go as planned, respecting and supporting each other will make tackling future challenges easier.

Compromise can make or break relationships. If you can find a middle ground that works well for everyone, then both of you can feel satisfied with the outcome. But, if that’s not possible, it’s also okay to agree to disagree. Respecting each other’s opinions is what counts.

Also, a fresh POV on the conflict can help. Ask trusted confidants like friends, family, or community members for advice, but avoid asking them to choose sides. You might also want to contact a counselor or therapist.

And remember: everyone makes mistakes. A sincere apology will help you move on and strengthen your bond.

Disagreements should never turn into intense yelling or physical fights. Healthy communication is about respect and mutual support—NOT about controlling your partner(s) or being hostile.  

If things get tough or there are any signs of abuse, then seek help and support immediately. You can reach out to resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or visit www.thehotline.org for support.