Feelings, Wants, and Needs

In any relationship, you should stay true to yourself.

Being upfront about your feelings, wants, and needs helps build trust, keep you grounded, and strengthen your connection(s).

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01

Know Your Worth

Asking for what you want starts with believing that you—and your voice—matter. Having positive self-esteem or self-worth is key. We all deserve to feel great about ourselves, especially around our partner(s). Embracing who you are isn’t always easy, but everyone can improve their self-love—both inside and out.

Having high self-esteem means you usually feel pretty good about yourself. Most of the time, you feel proud and confident. You know you deserve respect, which makes you more likely to take care of your health—including your mind and body.

Low self-esteem can make you feel like you’re never enough. It might cause you to doubt yourself, prioritize the needs of others over your own, relax your boundaries, or constantly seek approval. It can also add to anxiety, depression, eating disorders, or behaviors that put your health at risk. If you feel unlovable, you might not go after what you really want.

Most people fall somewhere between high and low self-esteem, experiencing a mix of both confidence and doubt. Your level of self-esteem can change over time, especially with life’s ups and downs, new partners, or life events. One thing remains constant: most of us would feel better if we took steps to build our self-esteem.

Boosting your self-esteem starts with believing you matter—because you do. You’re unique and valuable. No matter how you feel now, you can improve your self-esteem with time and practice. It’s a journey, but small steps can lead to big confidence changes.

Celebrate what makes you, you! Use positive thoughts like “I’m beautiful and worthy of love” or “I love myself enough to ask for what I need,” especially before tough chats.

Feeling insecure sometimes? It’s normal. But if it’s a regular thing, it can mess with your life. So, remember to take a pause and focus on your positive qualities. Surround yourself with people who lift you up. And, if you’d like more support, consider reaching out to a mental health professional.

Visit fiveactionsteps.org for more tips.

02

Discover What You Deserve

Talking openly with your partner(s) about your feelings, needs, and wants can be a total game-changer for your mental health. It can boost your mood, allow you to be your true self, and bring you closer to your partner(s).

Healthy communication is the secret sauce for feeling seen, heard, and valued. It means sharing your thoughts and feelings openly, clearly, and positively while also actively listening to others. Good communication can build trust and a solid foundation for your relationship(s). For more details, check out our Comms 101 section.

When you’re clear about what you want and honestly express your needs, fears, and desires, you can build trust in your relationship(s). And once you have that comfort level and sense of security, it will be much easier to talk about things as they come up.

Being open and vulnerable can feel scary, but the payoff is worth it. Surveys show that many people crave openness and want to get closer to their partner(s), but they’re unsure how to break the ice. Instead of sugarcoating your emotions, share your true feelings, wants, and needs clearly and positively. This kind of honesty builds stronger connections. You can be your true self and invite your partner(s) to do the same.

Not speaking up about your needs can mess with your mental health—cranking up anxiety, tension, and hard feelings with your partner(s). Just remember you and your partner(s) aren’t mind readers. Your likes and dislikes might not match, but the only way to know is by sharing them with each other.

03

Step into Prep Mode

OK, you’ve decided you’re ready to talk about needs, feelings, and everything in between. A few simple steps can set the stage and help smooth the way. Be clear about how you feel and what you want, stay positive, and keep your expectations of partner(s) reasonable—especially if this type of open talk is new for them. They might need some time to feel comfortable sharing. Prepping ahead can help calm your nerves and boost your confidence for this convo and many others in the future.

When sharing your feelings, keep these tips in mind:

  1. Remember, everyone is valuable.
  2. We all have the right to express our feelings and needs.
  3. Our likes and dislikes in relationships might be different, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you’re right and they’re wrong—you both are valid.
  4. Good partners listen and genuinely care.
  5. Being vulnerable can bring you closer.
  6. If you’re nervous, preparing in advance can help you get ready and break the ice.

In any relationship, it’s normal to be bothered by certain issues or concerns. To help decode your feelings, ask yourself, “What does my partner do that makes me feel good? What makes me feel not-so-great?” and “How can we improve our connection and relationship?” These questions can help you pinpoint what you need to feel happier and more secure.

Jealousy, feeling controlled, lack of trust, poor communication, and being unreliable are common relationship issues. It’s important to talk openly about any concerns before they snowball into bigger problems.

On the flip side, you might want to talk about how you can improve your relationship. Consider bringing up positive qualities you’re looking for in a partner: someone supportive, trustworthy, open, and respectful. Try framing the convo around relationship expectations that matter to both of you. A great way to start is by exploring your green flags, like good communication and reliability, and then discussing red flags, like controlling behavior or gaslighting.

If there’s something specific you’d like to discuss, practice what you want to say and how to say it. This will make things less awk when it’s time to talk.

Start by jotting down your thoughts, feelings, and concerns. You can write them on paper, in a secure note on your phone, or even in a journal. Reflecting on what’s causing you anxiety in your relationship(s), including any past trauma or experiences, can help you clarify your feelings.

Then, you can flesh out what you’d like to discuss with your partner(s). You could even role-play the conversation with a friend to build your comfort level.

04

Make Every Conversation Count

Bringing up your feelings and needs in a relationship can be scary. You might worry about hurting your partner’s feelings or that they will get mad, upset, distant, or even reject you. But a good partner will listen and want to understand what matters to you. And you might be surprised—many partners want to get closer and open up.

It’s important to keep your expectations realistic regarding how open you and your partner(s) can be, especially at first. Most of us haven’t been taught how to express ourselves effectively. Stay hopeful that your partner(s) will make an effort to see where you’re coming from. But don’t stress if you don’t see eye to eye right away. Patience and practicing with each other are key. Any progress is a positive sign—it shows they’re willing to try.

Pick your timing wisely. If your partner has had a rough day, it might be better to save a deeper talk for tomorrow after a good night’s sleep.

Body language matters, too. Whether talking in person or on the phone, aim for a relaxed, open posture to show you’re ready to listen. To avoid looking like you’re closed off or defensive, try not to cross your arms or have a tense stance.

Feeling anxious or overwhelmed? Try deep breathing or taking a 20-minute break. Apps like Calm, Headspace, and Alkeme can also help manage anxiety and often have free versions.

Try to keep the vibes positive, so you or your partner(s) don’t shut down. Keeping the conversation upbeat will help you both stay engaged and keep the chat flowing smoothly.

Be specific about what you want. To avoid making your partner(s) defensive, use “I” statements instead of “You” statements. For example:

  1. If you want your partner(s) to ask more about your day, instead of saying, “You don’t seem interested in me or my day,” try “I feel like we mostly talk about your stuff. I’d love to share about my day too.”
  2. If you want them to spend less time on their phone, you could say, “I love when we hang out together. Sometimes phones get in the way. Could we try some ‘phone-free’ time together?”

Ease into awk topics by trying these convo starters:

Red flags/Green flags
  • “What relationship red flags make your alarm bells go off?”
  • “What green flags make you feel safe with us?”
Opening Up
  • “Since we’re not mind readers, how about a check-in? Like, what’s working with us? What could be better?”
  • “Want to share fun stuff, like TikToks or memes, before diving into serious stuff?”
Jealousy
  • “I’ve felt jealous when you’re with certain friends. How can we help each other feel secure when jealousy hits?”
Control
  • “I often take charge of plans. How do you feel about that? Would you like more input?”
Reliability
  • How can we keep each other in the loop when plans shift?”

Need more prompts?  “Play Gimme That Ask”

Don’t overwhelm your partner(s) with a massive emotional dump. Keep it short and sweet. It’s easier for them to stay engaged and understand where you’re coming from.

It takes time to nail the communication game with a partner. So, if this is new for you and your partner(s), try sharing some practical tips and exploring resources together. You could watch our videos, check out more on this website, or head over to the Dive Deeper section to find other tools to boost your skills. Remember, just starting the conversation can be a “win” in itself!

05

Conflict Resolution 101

Real talk—opening up about your feels, wants, and needs doesn’t always go as planned. Sometimes, your partner(s) might push back or shut down the conversation. When this happens, focus on staying calm, listening, and expressing yourself clearly. Not every conflict will be resolved right away, but talking through your differences and revisiting the conversation when needed can help you move forward together.

Sometimes your needs won’t match up with your partner’s needs. When that happens, you might want to consider a compromise. For instance, if they want to hang out almost every day but you’re more into once or twice a week, maybe try meeting them in the middle with two to three times a week.

If a compromise doesn’t meet your wants and needs, you might decide to take a pause or part ways. It’s totally up to you!

If you or your partner(s) are feeling emotionally drained, worked up, or defensive, take a break and try to talk again soon. You could say something like, “I think I’ve said all I can right now. Can we pause on this and check in tomorrow? In the meantime, can we still hang out and talk about something else?”

Sometimes, bringing up certain topics can catch your partner(s) off guard, and their reaction might not be what you hoped for. They might say things like:

  • “I don’t want to talk about this.”
  • “Why are you bringing this up now?”
  • “What, you’re not happy? I thought everything was good.” 

Also, it’s not okay if a partner yells at you or responds aggressively. If that happens, you can remind them that you expect to be treated with respect. If the vibe doesn’t improve, it’s best to end the conversation and take steps to make sure you’re feeling safe. You could say, “Yelling at me is not okay. If you can’t talk calmly, this conversation is over for now.”

Are you bringing your communication A-game? Are you using “I” statements, focusing on your feelings, and listening—but they still aren’t understanding? Ask yourself: “Is this holding me back from the connection I deserve?” Your feelings matter, and anyone who truly cares would agree.

If talking in person isn’t working, you could try switching it up—send a text, email, or even a handwritten note (if you trust them to keep it private). Sometimes, writing your feelings down gives you the space to express yourself more clearly. And if miscommunication keeps happening, it might be time to reconsider whether this relationship is right for you.

Balancing wants and needs in a relationship can be tricky, but don’t compromise on the basics—like feeling respected and practicing safer sex. Your relationship should be a safe space for open and honest communication without the fear of being ignored or hurt. It’s where you can be your true self.

Trust your gut. If the communication or vibe isn’t improving, ask yourself, “Is this person in my life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime?” Sometimes, realizing this can help you move on. Remember, not every relationship is meant to last forever, and that’s okay.

Practice

Awk Talk Starters

Avoiding the talk? Whether you’re tongue-tied or just need an icebreaker, our scripts can help guide you through the awk.

How’s your day been?

It’s been really productive! You?

Aw, good, I’m glad to hear that. I’m alright, but there’s something on my mind. Lately I feel like we’re not spending enough time together.

We just had a game night at Sarah’s last night.

Yeah, but that’s with all our friends. It bums me out we don’t spend more quality time together. Just us, one on one.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you felt that way. I’d invite you over tonight, but I have to study. You could come to my place tomorrow?

Are your roommates going to be there?

Well, yeah. I can’t just tell them to get lost.

I completely understand that, but then it’s kind of awkward not to include them.

Good point. Let’s do your place instead.

Deal.

Hey, I thought we were hanging out tonight? I’ve been getting ready for the past hour.

Oh, right. Something came up, so I can’t make it. We can just hang out another time.

You’re canceling now? Just this morning you said we’d hang out tonight. I was really looking forward to it.

Things happen. You’re making a big deal out of nothing.

I’m not. This keeps happening. You make plans and then cancel last minute. It feels like you don’t value me or my time.

I didn’t realize it bothered you that much, but I still think you’re being dramatic.

No, actually, I’m not. My feelings are valid. I deserve someone I can count on and who values me.

I didn’t think of it that way. I’m sorry.

I appreciate the apology, but I need to see proof that you really mean it.

You’re right, I’ll do better. I don’t want to lose you over this.

I hope so. Remember, actions speak louder than words.

Play

Down bad or just want to break the ice? Play Tawk ___ To Me or Match My ___! Turn awkward topics into juicy conversations with seven card decks filled with questions from spicy to sweet.

First card of card decks: Match My Freak, Tawk Us To Me, Match My Flirt, Tawk Sexy to Me
Play with all the decks

Dive Deeper

Knowledge is power…even if the topic is oh-so-awk! Read up on how to put these skills to work IRL.

Where to Next?

Comms 101
Defining the Relationship