Sexual Desires and Pleasure
Who said talking about sex has to be awkward?
Opening up about what turns you on can make things more fun—and comfortable—in your relationship(s).
Watch
Learn
01
Next-Level Intimacy
Being open and honest about your sexual desires with your partner(s) isn’t just about physical intimacy. It also helps you feel more secure and connected, and builds trust so that you can take your bedroom game to a whole new level.
Everyone deserves a pleasure-filled sex life—if they want it. Just make sure everyone is enjoying themselves. Plus, talking about sex leads to better sex. So, start the convo and enjoy the ride!
Want to keep things spicy? Make it a habit to talk about what turns you on. And remember, pleasure is also about feeling safe and comfortable. A caring partner will respect your boundaries by asking for consent and making sure you are satisfied.
You and your partner(s) aren’t mind readers! Be clear and specific about your desires and boundaries, and make sure there’s space for your partner(s) to share theirs, too.
Clear communication = Better connection.
02
Prepare to Think It Through
Before diving into the chat, do a little homework. Explore your body and make a list of what you’re into and what you’re not into. Next, decide when and where to talk—no need to just save it for the bedroom. For best results, have this conversation on the regular.
Give yourself a second to figure out what you want when it comes to sex. Try making a yes–no–maybe list to get a clear idea of what’s a hard yes, what you’re down to explore, and what’s a hard pass. See Define Your Desires below.
Keep in mind that your sexual interests and desires might change over time. As you grow closer to your partner(s) or meet new people, you might want to try new things. So, keep talking, whether it’s with a new fling or a longtime boo.
There’s no wrong way to have this chat—you do you! Whether it’s face to face, over the phone, or through texts (only if you’re confident they will protect your privacy)—keep the convo going. The timing is your choice—before, during, and/or after sex—communication is what counts!
It’s best to be open about any sexual worries or difficulties that might be affecting your sex life. Nearly everyone has one or more concerns, no matter their age. Talking things out with your partner(s) or taking matters into your own hands and doing some research can help. Don’t be afraid to hit up a healthcare provider or therapist to discuss causes and solutions. Visit NCSH’s A Guide to Sexual Concerns and Pleasure for more info!
03
Define Your Desires
Talking about your desires might feel weird at first, but it gets easier with practice. A little prep now can go a long way. Before you start the convo, take some time to figure out what you’re into and how to share it with your partner(s).
Knowing what turns you on and off makes talking with your partner(s) easier. There’s plenty to explore, whether with partner(s) or solo, including:
- Kissing
- Touching
- Laughing
- Talking
- Massaging
- Cuddling
- Dry sex (rubbing clothed bodies together)
- Masturbating (with partner(s) or alone)
- Oral sex (mouth on vagina, penis, or anus)
- Vaginal intercourse (penis in vagina)
- Anal intercourse (penis in anus)
- Using sex toys
- Reading erotica
- Watching ethical porn
Ethical porn (i.e., feminist, or fair-trade porn) is made with the actors’ consent, treats performers with respect, and pays everyone fairly.
Don’t forget to check out Dive Deeper for more resources.
Feeling awk? It’s normal! Try breaking the ice with:
- “What’s one sexual thing you’ve always wanted to try together?”
- “We talk about so many things, but sex rarely comes up. I’d love to start that convo. How about you?”
These questions can help you and your partner(s) ease into the topic and make it less cringey. Share what feels good, what doesn’t, and things you’re curious to try—like new positions, or when and where to have sex.
Here are some ways to kick things off:
- “I really like it when we ___. How do you feel about it?”
- “I’ve been thinking it’d be fun to try ___. What do you think?”
Keep checking in as you explore what feels good and decide together if it belongs on your “yes” or “no” list.
Create a code word like “mango” to hit stop when something doesn’t feel right. It can clear up confusion in the heat of the moment and keep your boundaries crystal clear. Remember, you can use your code word to say “stop” for activities you’ve done before or when trying something new.
Words are usually best, but actions can communicate, too. Pay attention to these nonverbal cues.
“Yes” Signs could be:
- Leaning in
- Gently guiding their hands to your fave spots
“No” Signs could be:
- Pulling away
- Tensing up
- Avoiding eye contact
- Shaking their head
Being aware of these cues can help ensure that both you and your partner(s) feel comfortable and respected. For more info, see our Boundaries and Consent page.
Be real and open about what you’re into and what you’re not into—don’t keep it to yourself. Start with the positive—praise your partner(s) for things they do well. When it’s time to bring up what’s not working, do it kindly and calmly. Your tone matters. Make it about you, not about them. Use “I” statements to express your feelings, such as, “I love doing ____, but I’m not into doing ____.” Avoid “You” statements like, “You always do _____wrong,” which can put your partner(s) on the defensive and block open communication.
04
Cut the Tension
Talking about sexual desires and pleasure can sometimes make people feel embarrassed, defensive, or upset. But when sex is a team effort, these chats can help ease the awkwardness and pave the way to even better sex.
People might hesitate to talk about desires—some people are shy, some are new to it, and others might be nervous because of past convos that didn’t go well. Create a safe place for your partner(s) to open up by picking a chill spot with few interruptions. Keep your body language relaxed and maintain eye contact to show you’re listening. Be patient and encourage honesty. Let your partner(s) know their feelings are valid and that you will listen without judgment. Remember, their reaction might be more about their past experiences than about you or your relationship.
You should never feel pressured or forced to do anything sexually that doesn’t sit right with you. That’s a form of sexual coercion or assault. A partner who truly cares about you won’t threaten to bail if you’re not ready to have sex or to try something new. Your comfort and boundaries are everything. Trust your gut and always put your feelings first.
Everyone’s desires matter and deserve equal attention. If things are out of balance and your partner(s) doesn’t care about what makes you feel good, that could be a red flag. Ask yourself, “Is this a match? Or is it time to swipe left?”
If your partner(s) wants to switch things up in the bedroom, be willing to listen. If you’re down to try new things, go for it! But if their ideas don’t feel right for you, thank them for being creative and maybe suggest some other ideas. The goal is to find options that work for both of you.
It can be tough if a partner(s) reacts negatively, asking, “So you’re not happy with our sex life?” or “Am I not good enough in bed?” Dismissive responses like “It’s all working for me” or “Why bring this up?” don’t help either. In response, you could say, “I care about us, and I want to talk about what feels good” or “Let’s figure this out together.”
Keep in mind it’s not OK for them to throw shade or make insults like “You’re bad at sex,” or “You don’t know what you’re doing.” If that happens, let them know those comments don’t fly and that you deserve to be treated better. Set your boundaries and expectations for respectful chats.
Visit our Boundaries and Consent page for more tips.
Practice
Awk Talk Starters
Avoiding the talk? Whether you’re tongue-tied or just need an icebreaker, our scripts can help guide you through the awk.
I’m really into you and want to make sure we’re both happy in the bedroom.
What do you mean?
Would you be open to trying something new to make things even more exciting?
Like what?
What about a little role playing? Would you be into that?
You’re not into me as me…?
It’s not about that. I’m just ready to get a bit more adventurous, and spice things up a bit. We could even go shopping together for some new “outfits” and make a sexy date out of it.
OK, but first, let’s talk about what kind of fantasies you want to try and go from there.
Great, thanks for being open to it! And, just checking in – anything you’ve been wanting to try? This goes both ways!
Can we take a minute to talk about our sex life?
What’s there to talk about?
We’re not really having a lot of sex recently. It’s been a few weeks…
Yeah, I noticed. To be honest, I just haven’t been very interested in sex lately. The desire isn’t there like it used to be.
Is something going on?
I don’t think so. I’m feeling fine, but my sex drive has just taken a nosedive.
Okay… I get that. But, I still want to have sex and be close.
Heard. I feel you and want you to be satisfied.
How about setting a date for sex once a week?
You don’t think that’ll take all the romance out of it?
I think it’ll be something to look forward to!
I like that idea. How about Saturday nights? And in between, maybe we can try out some other activities that make us feel good and close.
Play
Down bad or just want to break the ice? Play Tawk ___ To Me or Match My ___! Turn awkward topics into juicy conversations with seven card decks filled with questions from spicy to sweet.
Dive Deeper
Knowledge is power…even if the topic is oh-so-awk! Read up on how to put these skills to work IRL.
- American Sexual Health Association: Sexual Pleasure and You
- MindBodyGreen: Your Guide To Ethical Porn: What Makes It Different & Where To Find It
- NCSH: Five Action Steps to Good Sexual Health (Step #3)
- NCSH: A Guide to Sexual Concerns and Pleasure
- Planned Parenthood: Sex and Pleasure
- Scarleteen: Pleasure & Sexual Response
- The Pleasure Project
Where to Next?
