Boundaries and Consent

Clear consent and boundaries are essential. So, take some time to think about your limits—your firm boundaries, dealbreakers, and negotiables. And remember, boundaries aren’t just for safer sex and your sex life—they’re also for things like texting, posting online, your feelings, and more.

Consent, when it comes to sex, means asking your partner—every step of the way—if what you’re doing sexually is wanted and pleasurable. It should be a two-way street where both people are giving and getting consent.

While it may feel uncomfy when talking about what’s okay and what’s not with your partner(s), doing so can strengthen your bond(s). Setting clear boundaries helps ensure everyone’s wants and needs are met. It can also keep everyone feeling safe and respected.

Being open and honest about your limits encourages your partner(s) to do the same. It can build trust and comfort and also prevent misunderstandings. Plus, a partner who genuinely cares about your wants? Well, that’s super attractive.

Quite simply, your partner(s) won’t know your likes, dislikes, and maybes unless you tell them. Clear communication means you ditch the guesswork and choose positive, assertive communication. Visit our Comms 101 page for practical tips.

When we embrace the awk talk instead of silence, we can better understand each other’s wants and needs—especially when it comes to sexual boundaries. Asking for consent and stating clear boundaries can help ensure that you both have the experience you hoped for. What’s sexier than knowing you and your partner(s) are having fun and respecting each other?

Exploring what you want in your sex life? Your terms, your timeline. There are many ways to be sexual, and it’s completely up to you to decide if, when, and how you choose to be intimate.

First, consider what gives you pleasure and what doesn’t. Discover the ways you enjoy being close and sensual. Then, check in with your partner(s) to find out what appeals to them, too. Next, set boundaries, talk about consent, and keep it fun and respectful. Whatever you choose to do, everyone should be fully on board. If you realize you’re not into something—that’s okay, too—you can always change your mind at any point! See our Sexual Desires and Pleasure page for more tips.

Consent means checking in with your partner(s) every step of the way about each sexual activity—is it wanted by them, are they comfortable doing it, and do you both agree?

Worried the consent talk might “kill the vibe” or feel awk? It’s normal to feel uneasy. Being honest about your boundaries feels better than pretending you’re fine with something you’re not. Plus, it will reduce the risk of confusion.

Let your partner(s) know when you are (and aren’t) giving consent and ask them to do the same. If someone says “no,” accept it the first time. Remember, they’re rejecting the act, not you—and the same applies when you say no. Be glad they trust you enough to say what they want.

To avoid confusion during the heat of the moment, you might pick a safe word, like “mustard” or “apple,” that means stop during sex. Just confirm that the word is easy to remember and that all parties agree on it ahead of time.

No one should ever be pressured or forced into unwanted sexual contact—that’s sexual violence or assault. If a partner threatens to leave if you don’t do what they want? Major red flag!

And remember: your partner cannot give consent if they are asleep, drunk, or under the influence of drugs. 

Consent can be given or withdrawn anytime—before, during, or after sex. And just because someone says “yes” once doesn’t mean it’s a free pass forever. It’s okay to say no at any point, for any reason. Each partner gets to decide if, when, and how they will be sexually involved.

Consent should be enthusiastic. In other words, it should be clear that the person really wants to be involved in the activity. So, if their response is lukewarm, like “OK, I guess so,” it’s a good idea to stop and ask if what you’re doing appeals to them. Make sure they’re saying “yes” because they want to, not just to please you. And if that’s the case, it’s best to discuss other options you both desire.

When you ask for consent, you can discover what your partner(s) enjoys. Are they having fun? Are they into this? Do they feel safe? Asking for consent can be as simple as saying, “Can I ____?” or “Do you want me to do ____?”

Start with open-ended questions to explore what each partner likes. Try asking things like:

• “Can I do this?”
• “Are you okay with this?”
• “How does this feel?”
• “I’d like to do this. Would you be into it?”
• “How do you feel about this?”
• “Are you comfortable with ____?”
• “What do you like in bed?”
• “Got any hard limits or boundaries?”
• “How can I make you feel safer or more comfortable?”

Check in with your partner(s) often since wants and needs can change over time.

When giving consent, keep it simple: giving a clear “yes”—whether verbal or non-verbal—is a green light. Silence or a hesitant “okay” isn’t consent. Stop if it’s not an enthusiastic “yes” or the signs are unclear. You can use “yes” phrases like:

• “Yes.”  
• “That feels good.”
• “I’d like to do ___.” 
• “I want to keep doing this.”   
• “I’m having fun.”   

While verbal consent is often the clearest, non-verbal signs can also be used. You and your partner(s) can use physical cues such as: 

• Nodding your head, yes.
• Initiating sexual interactions.
• Giving a thumbs-up.

Saying “no” is key to keeping your comfort and boundaries intact. You can say no to any sexual activity at any time—no explanations needed or guilt. For example, you might say:

• “I’m not comfortable, let’s stop.”
• “I don’t want to do that, what if we try this instead?”
• “I’m not ready for sex yet, let’s try other things to be close.”
• “This doesn’t feel right for me right now.”

Non-verbal cues like pulling away, tensing up, avoiding eye contact, or shaking your head also communicate a “no.”

Remember, people cannot give consent when asleep, drunk, or on drugs. If someone threatens to leave you if you don’t have sex with them or if you refuse to do sexual activities? Major red flag.