Defining the Relationship

Help avoid confusion, anxiety, and drama in your relationship(s) by clearly expressing your boundaries and expectations. When you know where you stand, it’s easier to respect each other’s needs and worry less about doing the wrong thing.

Clear expectations help you and your partner(s) navigate your next moves—whether it’s regularly checking in on your status or stepping away to find someone else who wants the same thing.

To DTR, you should each share what you are looking for and then see if your intentions match up. For example, are you looking for something casual? Strictly physical? Something more serious and exclusive? Or, maybe you’re unsure what you want right now.

Remember: there’s no wrong answer. Different people might want different things. But figuring out if this is a good fit starts with understanding what each person wants from the relationship.

Your safer sex game will probably be influenced by your relationship status. If it’s casual or non-exclusive, you might decide to use condoms, dental dams, or other types of protection to prevent STIs/HIV. But, if you’re in a long-term, exclusive relationship and you’ve both been tested for STIs, you might agree to skip these barriers.

Whether you’re “talking,” in a situationship, or thinking about a committed relationship, checking in on your relationship expectations can improve your connection(s). Open communication can also pave the way for honest chats about everything else, not just your relationship status.

If you and your partner(s) aren’t on the same page, it doesn’t mean the relationship must end. Avoid pressuring yourselves to fix everything ASAP. Suggest taking time to think and plan a follow-up chat. You may be able to talk things out and find a compromise. For example, if one partner wants commitment but another isn’t ready for labels, a compromise could be exclusivity without announcing on socials.

Be open to their POV, and consider meeting them halfway. But don’t bend so much you lose sight of what makes you feel happy and safe. A healthy relationship meets everyone’s needs. Compromising to please or avoid losing someone probably won’t satisfy you in the short or long-term.

If you can’t decide on a compromise, it might be time to call it quits—which can be tough. But staying true to yourself and what you’re looking for is important. Whether you’re after something casual, serious, or exclusive, being real with yourself helps you stay happy and healthy.

Give yourself time to grieve and process the loss of this connection or relationship. Be proud that you didn’t settle. It takes guts and self-awareness to keep searching for the relationship(s) that will fulfill you.

If your partner(s) won’t even have the conversation or shuts you down, consider whether this response works for you. You can try to explain why the convo matters and dig a little deeper to understand their feelings, but you can’t force a DTR talk.

You could say something like:

• “Being clear gives me peace of mind and keeps things from getting confusing later. It’d help me a lot if I knew why you don’t want to talk about this.”
• “Understanding your feelings and what you want right now helps me decide if this is what is right for me. And you can decide if it’s right for you.”

If they push back with questions like, “Isn’t everything great? Why rock the boat?” or “Why add pressure on us?” explain that knowing where you stand gives you peace of mind, keeps expectations clear, and helps avoid confusion.

Try saying something like, “This isn’t about pressure—it’s about honesty and being real,” or “I’m happy with how things are going, but knowing where we stand helps us build a stronger connection.” If they still won’t engage, you’ll need to think about your next steps.

You may also suggest revisiting the talk after you’ve had some time to think. You could say, “I get it. But figuring out what we each want is important to me. Can we take a few days to think it over and talk again?”

Don’t take their relationship preferences personally. If the DTR conversation doesn’t go the way you’d hoped, it might sting, but it’s not a reflection on you. Sometimes people just don’t match, and it might mean it’s time to move on. Partners who genuinely care about you won’t push you to stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy. Breaking away from someone who isn’t right can open doors to better connections that line up with what you’re looking for, need, and deserve.